My Experiences as a Father... December 5, 1999 to January 4, 2000 - The 8th Month - Redneck Translation

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Father’s Diary, Month 8, Dialectized (redneck)     http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/

Monday, January 3
Maeve has figgerd out how t'set up on her own today. She needs some room t'do all of th' rollin' aroun', but she does it.
 

Sunday, January 2
We got home this hyar mo'nin' at 1:30 AM. Lots of fog an' too menny 55 MPH zones slowed us down, but th' trip up I-81 was pleasant, even eff'n radio recepshun was pore while drivin' through th' mountains. Maeve was so excited t'see her wind chime, bunny mobile an' her crib when she got home.
 

Saturday, January 1 - Fust Noo Years Day
Maeve an' ah discussed whuffo' it was thet thar was no noticeable terro'ist ackivity durin' Noo Years celebrashuns. It's postible thet terro'ists didn't reckon lotsa varmints corncentrated in one place, like Times Square,'d make wo'thwhile targits. It c'd be speculated thet th' govment knows a lot mo'e than they let on, an' they were able t'thwart these attacks befo'e they c'd occur, but thet'dn't explain th' lack of ackivity throughout th' wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah guess th' terro'ists isn't as smart as ah gave them credit fo'.

We stopped in Mary Janelan' t'see Elaine on th' way home. She gave us her Y2K / apocalypse grub stash, cornsistin' of a 6-pack of Chef Fellaardee Beef Ravioli. ah like it, but 6 kins'dn't last her mighty long durin' an apocalypse.

We also stopped in Yawk, PA t'see Becky an' Rob. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. As we exchanged gif's an' drank a six pack at th' Bo'ders book sto'e, Becky pointed out thet at least Maeve don't drool as much as a Saint Bernard, cuss it all t' tarnation. It's nice t'have friends who he'p yo' see thin's in perspeckive.
 

Thursday, December 30
We visited Pansy, Bonnie an' Brennan today. Jill had bought Brennan a Winnie Th' Pooh Duplo set. Brennan was mighty happy when he was unwrappin' it, an' injoyed openin' th' box. Then he took all of th' pieces out, threw them on th' flore an' started playin' wif other thin's. Maeve spent th' ress of th' viset suckin' on Winnie Th' Pooh.
 

Wednesday, December 29
Maeve seems t'be able t'put most varmints into some so't of trance, while ah's somehow immune t'her effeck. This hyar mo'nin' Jill was makin' eggs fo' bustfast. She took two out an' put them on th' counter. Appreently her Mammy's counter is not flat, an' one egg started rollin' away fum th' edge, while t'other started rollin' toward th' edge. ah yelled, "Egg! Fry mah hide! Egg! Fry mah hide! Egg! Fry mah hide!" t'no avail, ah reckon. Jill jest stared at Maeve while th' egg fell on her foot.

Yestiddy Shirley, Jill an' ah were talkin' while Maeve was stan'in' by th' couch next t'Shirley. Shirley had made san'wiches. ah sar Maeve retchin' fo' a piece of Shirley's san'wich. ah said Shirley had a lot t'larn about babies. While Maeve picked up Shirley's san'wich an' crushed it, spreadin' mayonaise through her fingers, Shirley jest stared at me, axin' whut she had t'larn about kids. ah doesn't knows whut Jill starin' at, but she was jest as surprised when she sar th' mess in Maeve's han'.

ah's glad thet ah's not affecked by Maeve's trance. ah doesn't be hankerin' t'be responsible fo' thin's like eggs on th' flore o' mayonaise han'.
 

Tuesday, December 28
We visited Shirley an' Kevin today, an' sar Baby Matty. Af'er th' whole Matthew Eapen/Louise Woodward thin', Baby Matty jest pops into mah haid. Shirley does insist thet his name is Matthew, an' not Matty o' Matt.

ah was havin' an allergic reackshun t'th' cat, an' th' cat didn't seem t'like Maeve. It kepp hissin' an' growlin'. Maeve an' ah stood our groun' an' even kicked th' cat outta th' bedroom twice.

Kevin did sumpin when he got home thet scared Maeve. Thar is only one other varmint thet Maeve don't like. By th' time th' we lef', though, Maeve liked Kevin, as enny fool kin plainly see.

Baby Matty, howevah, had made some plans wif Kevin, as enny fool kin plainly see. He urinated on Jill when she tried t'change him, dawgone it.
 

Monday, December 27
Gran'pa was he'pin' Maeve six pack fum his glass tonight. As is her cestom, Maeve was tryin' t'wave her han's aroun' while holdin' on t'th' glass. At one point th' she shook th' glass inough t'splash it all on over her face an' chest. While she was sputterin' an' tryin' t'wipe th' water off her eyes, Uncle James said thet is how someone kin drown in a glass of water.

We gave Maeve a bath tonight. Af'er etch bath we clean out her ears wif Q Tips. She don't pow'ful like it, an' she be hankerin' t'eat th' Q Tips, so we usually give her two t'hang onto, one fo' etch han'. Last night she put one in her mouth wif t'other ind stickin' out. Jill said thet she looked like Gran'pa chewin' on a toothpick. Shet mah mouth!
 

Saturday, December 25, Fust Jedtmas
Today Maeve was suckin' in her lower lip an' Jill said thet she looked like an old man, gummin' her lower lip.

Maeve has some rubber buildin' blocks thet also squeak eff'n yo' squeeze them, dawgone it. Maeve has figgerd out thet eff'n she puts one ind in her mouth thet she kin make th' block whistle by suckin' o' blowin'. Gran'pa Perrin says she needs a harmonica so she kin haf a real moosical instroomnt t'play wif, instead of jest a set of chillun's blocks.

Even though ah had told her befo'e Thanksgivin' thet Jedtmas was th' targit date fo' walkin', Maeve did not walk today. She jest prackiced th' harmonica wif her blocks. She loves t'stan', an' will stan' an' hang on t'thin's while wavin' one han'. It looks like she is close t'walkin'. All ah axed fo' was two steps, but she was too busy wif her blocks. Mebbe ah sh'd haftald her thet even eff'n she makes a career of playin' th' harmonica thet she still needs t'be able t'walk t'git on stage.
 

Friday, December 24 - Fust Jedtmas Eve
We lef' fo' ole Virginny at 3 AM this hyar mo'nin'. Th' trip went mighty smoothly. In 4 hours we had gotten t'th' Noo Jersey Turnpike, an' were basically past enny Noo Yawk City rush hour traffic we might hit. We stopped fo' gas an' Jill spent 20 minutes doin' whut ah thunk was an excellent job of tryin' t'git Maeve t'pay attenshun an' nurse. Unfo'tunately, Noo Jersey was much too interestin', an' Maeve kepp lookin' aroun' at cars, th' dashboard lights, th' steerin' wheel, th' car windows, etc.

Mah pre-baby targit time t'git fum Lofine t'Baltimo'e was 7 hours. ah figgerd we'd lose two hours o' mo'e. Our fust long stop was fo' bustfast jest 30 minutes no'th of Baltimo'e. We were at thet point af'er jest 6 an' a ha'f hours, so eff'n we hadn't stopped fo' bustfast, we'd haf made it t'Baltimo'e in pre-baby time. We made it t'mah Mammy's house jest one hour mo'e than mah pre-baby targit time. Whut in tarnation a deal! Fry mah hide!

Jill an' ah took turns drivin'. Jill has been afraid of drivin' on over bridges on account o' ah have known her. She has nightmares about th' Delaware Memo'ial Bridge. She allus yells at me t'stay in th' center lane, keep both han's on th' wheel an' slow down, as though th' car will suddenly reckanize thet it's on a bridge an' try t'swerve off. Today ah was asleep an' Jill drove on over th' Delaware Memo'ial Bridge, th' Po't Deposet Bridge an' th' Tappan Zee bridge, all on her own, as enny fool kin plainly see. Af'er this, Maeve won't git enny sympathy fum Maw about phobias. Maeve will hafta keep hearin' th' "Delaware Memo'ial Bridge sto'y".
 

Thursday, December 23
Maeve got her fust two teeth yessuhterday. All of her droolin' an' gnawin' is payin' off. She got a li'l fussy last weekend, but she is back t'her no'mally bubbly se'f.

Jill an' ah exchanged presents already, on account o' we is plannin' t'leave aroun' 2 AM fo' ole Virginny. We were supposed t'have lef' aroun' 4 PM today, but ah got stuck at wawk. We'll see how th' late night road trip goes wif Maeve. Jill said all she wanted was a token gif', on account o' of a lot of clo'es she had gotten recently an' her scheme t'git huge jewelry on our 10th annivahsary. ah got her a Fightin' Nun, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah reckon it's cute.

ah have not recently gotten lotsa clo'es, an' ah have no desuhe t'receive jewelry, but Jill got me two books on tape - OJ Simpson's book he wrote while he was in jail, an' one by Jimmah Carter. ah reckon th' Fightin' Nun is th' bess gif' in th' bunch.
 

Monday, December 20
Jill an' ah were discussin' how both her Pappy an' brother haf noo moto'boats. ah menshuned thet we might be able t'go out on them while we is down thar fo' th' holidays. ah said thet Maeve'd love th' wind in her hair. She likes it when we jest blow through her hair. She closes her eyes an' tilts her haid back. Shet mah mouth!

Jill axed eff'n yo' kin take an infant on a boat. ah said ah thunk we c'd eff'n we got th' right size life vest. Referrin' t'Maeve in th' bathtub, Jill said thet Maeve already knows how t'kick fine. Eff'n she did fall out, we c'd jest tell her t'swim back t'th' boat.
 

Sunday, December 19
Maeve usually likes t'set on th' bed playin' wif mah socks while ah finish gittin' dressed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Today she was starin' at mah socks an' shoes when ah was puttin' them on, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah felt like Mr. Rogers, mesmerizin' chillun wif mah footwar.
 

Saturday, December 18
On account o' th' beginnin' of th' month Maeve has made progress in figurin' out whut she kin does wif her hide an' whut's gwine on aroun' her. She knows whut mah car soun's like, an' whut it soun's like when ah come in th' dore an' come up th' stairs. She leans on over an' watches th' dore until ah come out.

She is also doin' a lot of rollin' aroun', an' kin raise her haid t'see whut's gwine on when she's on her stomach. She pushes herse'f backwards when she is on her stomach (so't of like backwards crawlin'). She still loves stan'in'. She even likes t'only hang on wif one han' an' wave t'other in th' air. On account o' befo'e Thanksgivin' ah have told her thet Jedtmas is th' targit date fo' her fust steps. We still haf one mo'e week. Shet mah mouth! She still does a lot of hangin' on still, but a few steps might not be thet far away. She is doin' lotsa gnawin' on thin's an' droolin'. ah menshun thet an' varmints say thet she is teethin'. But she has been doin' thet fo' months. Mebbe she has been teethin' fo' months, o' mebbe she jest likes t'gnaw an' drool, ah reckon. Whenevah ah see it ah reckon of th' song, "All ah Want Fo' Jedtmas is Mah Two Front Teeth".
 

Friday, December 17
Jill took a sick day off wawk today, so ah took Maeve t'Carol's in th' mo'nin'. Af'er th' han' off, ah turned aroun' t'leave an' Maeve started cryin'. Carol menshuned how she nevah cries when Jill leaves. Af'er wawk Jill said thet she had talked t'Carol about it, an' Jill kin't figger out whuffo' Maeve hain't evah cried fo' her. I've said it befo'e - she's Paw's gal.
 

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